Sunday, May 1, 2011

Royal Wedding Fashion: I need a Fascinator

I am in love with Miriam Gonzalez and her Fascinator

Although I had planned to boycott the Royal Wedding, since technically I am a Republican (NOT in the United States meaning of the term), I could not resist the fashion spectacle. I found much of the clothing DULL. The hats are always fun but after a while all of those cocked feather/flower combos perilously perched on high white foreheads or miraculously affixed to thin flaxen locks began to blend together. (Speaking of the incessant "monotone outfit with severe Treacy topper look" as my catty friend observed, Posh looked like a Qatar Airlines flight attendant).

Because of this overwhelming monotony, one guest stood out as exquisite, daring, elegant, sexy and super DIVA divine: Miriam Gonzalez, the glamorous exotic Spanish wife of Nick Clegg. My Spanish friend who is a fashion stylist told me that the dress, hat and shoes were all by Spanish designers, which filled me with pride, particularly when apparently the only milliner in the UK is Philip Treacy to judge by the credits. I also learned a new term for the turban/flower combo: FASCINATOR. Could there be a better term for this accessory? I think not! Coming on the heels of my new infatuation with the fabulously severe turban-wearing Sheikha of Qatar, this could not have come at a better time.

As I struggled to gracefully get out of a taxi schlepping a huge tote bag (Michael Kors snakeskin) and distinctly unglamorous backpack (the price I pay for ACADEMENTIA) in a tube skirt and heels, I tried my best to emulate this goddess' motion to exit her chauffeured limo. I cannot for the life of me imagine how she did this, but thank god I do Pilates so someday I will surely acquire the dexterity to rotate my hip and legs in this manner.

For more on Miriam Gonzalez's look, see
The Queen. I know that she is eight thousand years old and I should be merciful. But she looks like fucking PEEP!

This is an atrocity. I really cannot articulate the words because every time I look at the photo my gag reflex takes over. The beige ensemble that heightens the pallor topped with that Osiris headed to the Valley of the Dead fascinator is particularly unfortunate.

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